Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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