I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
