A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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