i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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