Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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