I can tuck mytits in my pants
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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