You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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