This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
