I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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