I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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