onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
