He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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