There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
