Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
