I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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