woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
