You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
