i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
