This is not my ceiling
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
