If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize