the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
