she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I need moral support for this bender
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
