your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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