hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
