if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
