The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
