If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
