he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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