The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
