Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she peed on how many people?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
