I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
