if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Couch. On fire.
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