Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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