This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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