Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
