Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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