tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
