You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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