What a fucking waste of an outfit
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize