Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
