we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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