Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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