I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
