Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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