i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We had sex on a dog bed..
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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