just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
