Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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