i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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