The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize