if i can run in heels then i can drive
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
