This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she peed on how many people?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
