Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
