shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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