oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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