Your mouth is God's brothel.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize