I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
