My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
