I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
