Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
