girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You don't make any sense
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