please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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