I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
