She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
