Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Floor bacon is actually really good
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
