I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
