highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
